Swirling Dust

She was traveling along
At a comfortable speed
On a road that was paved
But covered in patches.
She looked up ahead
And the road looked smoother up there
But the haze of the sun
Made it hard to see how far.
Then she came to a fork in the road
This new road looked nice
With green grass along the sides
And daisies sprinkled throughout.
She put a toe on this new road
And started to run downhill
But she could still see the patched road
Out of the corner of her eye.
Then she missed her patched road
And struggled up the slope
Only to find
That it was raining here now.
She took a leap and headed back down
The new smooth road
With grass
And daisies.
But soon she noticed
There were patches here too
But of a different sort of shade
And the grass and the daisies were artificial it seemed.
She reached up towards
Her old patched road
But found a guard rail
Running along its undefined length.
So now she treads on her own road,
It's just dirt and dirt and dirt
But there are a few trees here
And some deep-rooted flowers.
The sun follows the moon
The moon follows the sun
Over the dirt road
That she must tread upon.

"Deep Under"

I painted for the first time with acrylic paints last night, and wow, it was so amazing.  I've taken a drawing class before, but all we used were graphite pencils, charcoal, pens, india ink, and erasers.  That was also a beginning drawing class.  I signed up to do the intermediate drawing class, went to the first lesson, seemed like it would be a lot of fun, but it just didn't feel totally right for me.  So, here I am, doing my own thing :)  I'm thinking of picking up a book on acrylic painting.  Right now I just have black and white paint, and two brushes.  I have already learned that a square-ended brush produces much different strokes from a rounded brush; the square one will be good for edging, but the roundy one is much more flowy and fluid and finishes strokes nicely.  And I have a feeling I might be going through paint rather quickly, I think I'm already a good portion of the way through my black.  I think I want to maybe pick up A color, like a blue or an orange or something.  I would like to experiment mixing my black and white though, like maybe do a painting of a scale from white to black, and all the shades in between.  Something else I know I want is to pick up three little square canvases, each matching in size and no bigger than a square foot, and do a painting straight across all three canvases, then separate them and hang them a couple inches apart.  This will probably take a few trials because I'm thinking of how the resulting painting will translate once separated.  Like, if I did something spherical across all three, it might look weird with space in between; but if I did something straight and more or less linear, it would probably look alright spanning across the three canvases, also depending on what I want to convey and how they'll look with the spacing.  Eee!  I'm so excited!  I think I'm gonna have to go pick up some more canvases tonight.  Hmm...must think of new ideas...

Last night when I was initially thinking of painting, I wasn't sure if I should do like a landscape or an object or just something kinda random and abstract.  I actually found myself thinking of the way David Bromstad (yes, the Color Splash guy) paints; just sort of inspired by the rooms he designs, and just sort of a splash (yeah I said it) of colors and designs.  When I went to go do my first painting, I wanted some sort of gradient from black to white, but wasn't sure how to go about it.  So I was painting painting painting painting, black black black black, and then all of a sudden the little flicks that my brush was making at the bottom of the strokes started looking like birds.  Hence...

I'm pretty happy with it for it being my first painting.  This is definitely going to be a kick-ass experience learning this new artistic medium for sure.  So now I go, in search of inspiration!

They Look Like Airplanes

Stars.
Shooting stars.
Bright stars.
Twinkling stars.
Colorful stars.
Red, green, blue, yellow, and white stars.
Moving stars.
Small stars.
Faded stars.
Lost stars.
Gone stars.
New stars.
Old stars.
Far stars.
Near stars.
Planets,
Bright and large and whole.
The Moon:
Sinking.
Waning.
Comfortably half full.
Constellations,
Constellations:
Jagged lines.
Little Dipper,
Big Dipper.
Mirphak.
Casiopea.
Orion's Belt,
Hidden.
The Sun:
Click!
Off.
Click!
On.
Good Morning.

"Death, thou shalt die"

©2006-2010 ~LadybirdM

When I did a search for the word "Love," this was the first image that came up (on deviantart.com), so I decided to run with it.

Whenever I write a blog entry, I feel like I should write something, but the rest of me is just sort of going, 'Meh.'  It's weird.  Like, I really want to write more, put more out there, but I seem to be hard-pressed to find anything interesting/thought-provoking/positive enough to blog about at length.  Let us perhaps discuss the lately goings-on in my life.

I'm trying to find a new place to live.  Yeah.  Again.  Living with my sister has been fine, I can't believe how open she was to it and how great she's been about it all, but it's just so damn far from town, and I'm always having to go places, so I'm just BURNING through my gas.  Plus, it's her house and it's all her stuff, so bringing a chaotic younger sister and her rambunctious three year old daughter into it is pretty intense.  I just want to have a place that I can come home to, where I can unload all my shit, and Suraya can run around, and have it feel more ...whole?  As whole as it can be for being 'single mom' status I suppose.  I've given myself the options of renting a room from someone or trying to find a dinky little place that I can pay for by myself.  I would really prefer just to have my own place, even if it's a ridiculously small studio, I don't care.  We'll see how it goes.

And now I'm in the process of trying to find an income.  Yay!  Now that Twelfth Night is ending, I'll be able to get a night job somewhere; won't be able to do any more shows or have a social life, but that's not really a priority right now.  I've pretty much been meaning to do this for the past year, but now it really needs to happen.  I need money, like really need it.  I need a place on my own, and I've gotta have an income.  I mean, I have one job now, but it's only 1 day a week with no room for expansion, so I've gotta get more hours in with something.  Honestly I'm kinda looking forward to getting a second job just to learn a new/different experience, meet more new people; I'm determined to make it interesting.

And as far as really nitty gritty, personal, emotional, and relationship stuff goes...Hell, I don't even know.  *sigh*  I tell you what, something I'm finally coming to terms with is how much I probably ought to be single right now.  Not like having a relationship is a huge burden, but I want to be in one for the right reasons.  I don't want to feel like I "need" to be with someone, or have to "rely" or "depend" upon them for anything, other than basic love and general support.  It's not like I'm a user, or anything, I just...don't know what to do.  Or rather, just don't know how to go about it?  It's all the "shoulds" versus "wants" versus "desires" versus "needs."

Do you ever feel like you read something about someone, or see someone do something, and you think to yourself, 'My goodness, I would never do anything like that!' and then sort of realize that you are like that?  It makes me sad.  Such as, I've always thought of myself as a fairly selfless, intelligent, and kind person, but I sort of tend to not be those things, and it worries me.  Am I like that snooty bitch you see walking down the street?  Or that asshole who only speaks in snarky comebacks?  Or that stupid, ignorant person who is oblivious to everything around them?

Life.

Who'd've guessed, eh?

Opposite

Life.
Happy.
Well.
Content.
Alive.
Forward.
Clear.
Right.
Sane.
Smart.
Strong.

All the things that I am not.

Untitled

Wash away the thoughts inside
That keep my mind away from you.
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication,
Finding beauty in the dissonance.
You don't have to close your eyes,
Ease the pain to realize all that love can be.
All our blood lying on the floor, what we tried so hard to hide away.
Arms entwined in a final pose, in your eyes I can see it still.
An ugly pattern lays you down
And cuts its lines across your good intentions.
She was the weapon but your wounds were self inflicted.
Tomorrow knows you're hiding.
The mask you wear does not conceal
It's only you you're fighting.
Just find a vein.

Lyric segments spliced together by me; original lyrics from the following artists:  Josh Groban, Tool, How to Destroy Angels, and SLOT.