I am a stocky, curvy girl. I am a size 12. I weigh 165 pounds. I outweigh most of my girlfriends, and a lot of my guy friends. I've been FIGHTING against my body my entire life so far. When I was 15 and I started lifting weights I went from 150 to 138 pounds, and I loved it. I want to be that weight again, but everyone tells me I would look sickly. I envy my sister's body. I envy the fact that my best friend has been doing so well at losing weight (but I am so proud of her). I dress my body to disguise and smooth it out and try to just be curvy.
I'm a cutter. I've been doing it since I was a teenager. I cut myself to punish myself. To reach out, to ask for help, without vocalizing "help me." When I am ashamed of my choices.
I can't take compliments. I can't. I hear them, and I cringe. It's like they bounce off my invisible armor.
I'm growing out my hair for everyone else but me.
I secretly (well, not anymore I guess) always want affirmations of myself from others.
I try not to give a shit about what people see me dressed in, but sometimes my lack of self-esteem gets the best of me and I try to look 'normal.'
I feel like my face looks best with eye makeup on.
I'm realizing I don't think I'm as great a dancer as I thought I was.
I wish I could sing.
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