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I wrote this about a month and a half ago and forgot about it up til now...huh...
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I'm not happy.  I am not a happy person.  At least I don't feel like it.  I can put on the happy face, but I don't like it.  I hate being fake.  I hate it when people are fake.
I want to change.  I want to be different.  I want so many goddamn motherfucking things.  I want nicer skin.  I want normal hair.  I want a nice body.  I want to be able to look in the mirror and not be disgusted.  I want to be able to walk around naked and not feel everything jiggling and worrying about how I look.  I want to stop giving a shit.  I HATE caring about what other people think!
I want people to get along.  I want people to stop being shitty to each other.  I'm tired of the bickering and snapping and bitchiness and sarcasm.  I hate hearing people argue.  It drives my anxiety through the roof.  I can't even stand hearing people talking in an adjacent room, even if they're not upset, because my brain automatically turns it into a bad/angry situation and suddenly I'm 8 years old listening to my parents fight and yell and scream at each other, and throw shit.  Hmm, I wonder why I throw and shatter coffee cups, punch walls until I fracture my knuckles, and have a shitload of scars on my arms.  LET'S JUST THINK.
I want normal hands.  Hands that aren't either dripping in sweat or so dry that I can't separate two goddamn pieces of paper.  I want to not freak someone out when I shake their hand, and I have to apologize and say, "Oh, sorry my hands are just like that," and they always say, "Oh it's fine" and then wipe their hand off on their pantleg awkwardly.  Thanks for making me feel like less of a freak.
I'm worried.  I'm worried I'm going to snap.  I'm going to snap and scare someone.  And just not a little, but a lot.
I can't focus on anything.  Everything shakes and blurs, and I feel slow and STUPID.  And I feel like I'm losing my memory.  I cannot remember things that should not be difficult to remember.
I don't like people.  I am not a people person.  I hate people.  People are bitches.  Whiny, cheap, annoying bitches.  And they drive me fucking crazy.  I am in the wrong business.
When is it worth it?  What makes it worth it?  Don't give me that 'you have to take the bad to appreciate the good' crap.  I don't want to hear that.  What makes it good?  How do you keep going?  How do you keep going on and on?  Every day?  I don't know how I do it.  I really don't.  I have friends, but few and I rarely see them.  I have Suraya, but barely, and when she's with me she doesn't enjoy it.  I have a boyfriend, but it's a struggle every day to not completely drive him away.  I really feel like I have nothing.  I don't care about the "stuff" shit, I have a car, I have a roof over my head, I have food in my pantry, whatever.  I'm not.  Fucking.  Happy.
This is all such a big fucking joke.  With no goddamn punchline.  One big rhetorical question.  Don't try answering it, cuz there's no point, and someone would argue with you about it anyway.  What's the point.

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Since this I have started taking antidepressants. My workout regimen has almost completely disappeared, and I've started eating anything and everything I want. I can see my body changing again, and not for the better. Change needs happen. More. Again. Now.

All or Nothing

I've had a realization:  I don't really have that much going on for me right now.  But at the same time, there are a lot of different things going on.  I'm not doing any dance or theater shows right now, which is kinda of a bummer.  I miss them, as stressful as they can be.  I would like to get involved in doing dance again, whether it's teaching a class, joining a class of something I already know about to refresh myself, or learning a new type of dance.

Work has changed, been at the new store for five weeks now, and I cannot believe how different it is.  Seems like there's less drama, or maybe I just haven't heard much of it yet.  I have heard some BS already, but I'm choosing to not invest in the gossip.  It's very much more organized there as well, really enjoying the way they implement things there.  There are the usual "special" coworkers and customers, but that's everywhere.  My schedule is pretty erratic (and light), but I'm sort of at the bottom of the totem pole so it'll take some working up to get where I'd like to be.

Speaking of where I'd like to be, medically I am not feeling...fabulous.  I've had an issue since July of last year that I've been trying to deal with handle, and it's not pleasant.  I'm now on my fourth medication to try to combat it, but this one gives me headaches, and only partially helps my problem.  Sigh.  I've undergone so many tests for this and haven't really gotten any answers.  Trying to stay positive and hopeful but it's been rough.  I'm not much of a 'take a drug for it' type of person anyway, so if I could find natural solutions, that would be awesome.

In my physicality, I've been trying to up my workout routines and really challenge my body to strengthen and learn and tone.  My diet has been falling a bit by the wayside, but that's in the works.

In the land of being mommy to Miss Awesome Monkey, this has been an interesting age.  Attitude, bargaining, begging, and backtalk have developed, which I am not happy with.  I know there are a lot of factors involved (two households, various relations, schoolmates, etc.), but definitely trying to work through the problems intelligently and in a way she understands, by very openly explaining solutions to her and surround her with love so she doesn't feel attacked.  We're trying to reduce the videogame time at our house because I've found they make her irritable, and incorporate more card games, board games, drawing time, and journal time.  Also more outdoor activities, getting her strength up with hiking, walks to the park, etc.

And now for some mental mush.......
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Sometimes my life doesn't feel real, like I'm waiting for a movie to start.  Like I'll look into the future and say, 'Oh yeah, like when this happens someday,' or 'I'll get there someday.'  Almost like I'm not owning up to my existence?  It's strange.  Something is different though.  I feel like I've gone through so much, even in just the past year.  It's like everything changes slowly but all at once.  Then I look back a year ago, two years ago, three years ago, and see where I'm at now.  A year ago I was working 60 hours a week between two jobs, and doing two shows at once.  I was stressed, but I was happy.  Now I'm barely working 40 hours, and not doing much else.  I do have different areas of my life developing, and maybe I'm just handling them differently now.  This is my All or Nothing.