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I wrote this about a month and a half ago and forgot about it up til now...huh...
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I'm not happy.  I am not a happy person.  At least I don't feel like it.  I can put on the happy face, but I don't like it.  I hate being fake.  I hate it when people are fake.
I want to change.  I want to be different.  I want so many goddamn motherfucking things.  I want nicer skin.  I want normal hair.  I want a nice body.  I want to be able to look in the mirror and not be disgusted.  I want to be able to walk around naked and not feel everything jiggling and worrying about how I look.  I want to stop giving a shit.  I HATE caring about what other people think!
I want people to get along.  I want people to stop being shitty to each other.  I'm tired of the bickering and snapping and bitchiness and sarcasm.  I hate hearing people argue.  It drives my anxiety through the roof.  I can't even stand hearing people talking in an adjacent room, even if they're not upset, because my brain automatically turns it into a bad/angry situation and suddenly I'm 8 years old listening to my parents fight and yell and scream at each other, and throw shit.  Hmm, I wonder why I throw and shatter coffee cups, punch walls until I fracture my knuckles, and have a shitload of scars on my arms.  LET'S JUST THINK.
I want normal hands.  Hands that aren't either dripping in sweat or so dry that I can't separate two goddamn pieces of paper.  I want to not freak someone out when I shake their hand, and I have to apologize and say, "Oh, sorry my hands are just like that," and they always say, "Oh it's fine" and then wipe their hand off on their pantleg awkwardly.  Thanks for making me feel like less of a freak.
I'm worried.  I'm worried I'm going to snap.  I'm going to snap and scare someone.  And just not a little, but a lot.
I can't focus on anything.  Everything shakes and blurs, and I feel slow and STUPID.  And I feel like I'm losing my memory.  I cannot remember things that should not be difficult to remember.
I don't like people.  I am not a people person.  I hate people.  People are bitches.  Whiny, cheap, annoying bitches.  And they drive me fucking crazy.  I am in the wrong business.
When is it worth it?  What makes it worth it?  Don't give me that 'you have to take the bad to appreciate the good' crap.  I don't want to hear that.  What makes it good?  How do you keep going?  How do you keep going on and on?  Every day?  I don't know how I do it.  I really don't.  I have friends, but few and I rarely see them.  I have Suraya, but barely, and when she's with me she doesn't enjoy it.  I have a boyfriend, but it's a struggle every day to not completely drive him away.  I really feel like I have nothing.  I don't care about the "stuff" shit, I have a car, I have a roof over my head, I have food in my pantry, whatever.  I'm not.  Fucking.  Happy.
This is all such a big fucking joke.  With no goddamn punchline.  One big rhetorical question.  Don't try answering it, cuz there's no point, and someone would argue with you about it anyway.  What's the point.

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Since this I have started taking antidepressants. My workout regimen has almost completely disappeared, and I've started eating anything and everything I want. I can see my body changing again, and not for the better. Change needs happen. More. Again. Now.