For Me, Deux

I wear makeup because it makes me feel pretty.
I wear those heels because they make me feel sexy.
I wear that shirt because it makes me feel hot.
I give you that smile because it makes me feel beautiful.
This year, my friends, is for me.
Because to better myself for others,
I must be BEST for me.
So here's to you, and you, and you,
And here's to me.
And I say to myself,
'Self, have a hell of a fuckin' good year.'
Amen, sister.

For Me

Raindrops on my face,
My soft Monkey's cheekies,
Mint tea in my Tabby mug,
Warm hands in my fleecies.
Giving out gifts wrapped clumsily by me,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the fog frights,
When I get weak knees,
When I curse and get mad,
I breathe in the air and stand on top of the world,
And that makes me feel so glad.

La danse poetic

That would I think of you bodes well
And yet..
And yet..
Come!  And away with me!
Wherever for whenever!  Forever!
I know not of what is known by you.
Wouldst thou tell me?
Would I hear it?
I...I know not.
I know my desire, and it is you...
It is you...

"photographs and memories..."

voice.  veins.  skin.  goosebumps.  hair.  guitar.  fingers.  warmth.  smile.  comfort.  sound.  surrounding.  out-of-body.  peace.  love?

"hidey hidey hidey hi..."

love.  look.  tonight.  oms.  cookies.  gin meets tonic.  presents.  presence.  today.  a minute ago.  tomorrow.  the next day.  forever.  right now.  want.  desire.  envelop.  caress.  hold.  deep breath.  sigh.  closed.  content.

"these are the fortune days"

floating.  dancing.  jumping off the currents in the air.  breaking (dancing).  flowing.  glowing!  smiling?!  sore.  bendy?  wendy!  excitement.  breath.  words.  air.  water.  smooooooooth.  DROP.  go.  sleep.

life as we don't know it

live.  experience.  love.  cry.  laugh.  shout!  be.  out there.  get out there.  do that thing you've always wanted to do.  go to that place you've always wanted to go.  be with that person you want to be with.  be the you.  invest in you.  do it all.  all of it.  with every fiber of your being.  every cell, every molecule of your body and mind and soul.  go!  do!  see!

"All at once everything is different, now that I've seen you..."

I don't know what it is, but ever since I was a kid, I've always had this random vision...

I've always been obsessed with movies involving the lead male character being saved by the lead female character, examples being Beauty and the Beast and Tangled.  And so that imagery and/or event has been implanted in my mind, and over the years it's created this vision in my head of saving a man in my life that is very dear to me.  No, it's no one specific, but the image of said man certainly is inspired by the prominent males in my life.  I don't know why it's so important to me, and I don't think I've ever talked about it before, but seeing a female character save the male character strikes such a huge chord with me.  It's really strange...

Anyone need saving?

"Change your mind..."

What is it about a kiss that can be so dangerous...

You meet someone.  It's edgy.  It's mysterious.  It's adventurous.  It's scary.  It's thrilling.  It's invigorating.  It's terrifying.  Then, you kiss that person.  This person, this being, this physical representation of the soul within that you've been yearning for.  Everything that you've done, not done, thought and not thought has lead up to that point.  Time stops for a second, just enough for everything to slow down and go silent.  Edges blur, colors soften, everything becomes bathed in a soft glow.  You hear a single heart beat.  Just one.  And it's like...it's like an almost unfathomable force comes storming down like thunder and lightning being hurled from the clouds by Zeus himself, and breaks through a wall made of solid steel and diamond and every other combination of all the hardest substances known and unknown on this Earth.  And all you have left...is rubble.
Now, everything changes.

Your move...

A Script

Scene: Rationality enters kitchen, stage left; Spontaneity already sitting at kitchen table.

Rationality: yawns Morning...
Spontaneity: Maaaaaaaan, you missed it last night.
R: sleepily Now what?
S: leans back in chair Time of Our life man, time of Our life.
R: approaches table and slumps into chair You always say that.
S: pours cup of coffee for R Well? It's true, isn't it?
R: Yeah, I guess. But still. You know me.
S: grins And you know me.
S: So...what did you think?
R: I dunno, I'm not really sure how I feel about it yet.
S: slightly taken aback Are you serious? One of the best night's of Our life, and you're "not really sure how you feel about it?" Come on dude.
R: looks at S incredulously
S: Alright, alright, I know, I know.
[a pause]
R: I mean...well...I did have fun--...
S: See! Knew you would.
R: Well, yeah, but...
S: No. No no no no no no no. No more but's.
R: But I--
S: No! What did I say?
R: But I just--
S: Rash...
R: Alright, alright...
[both sip coffee in silence]
R: hesitates She...she was beautiful wasn't she.
S:  gets up from chair and smacks R on the back, downs last bit of coffee  Now THAT'S what I wanted to hear.  See you in a bit.
[S grins and exits stage left]
R:  ...She was beautiful...
[R finishes coffee, gets up and exits stage left]

Scene:  the bedroom, focus on vanity with mirror; a spotlight showcases the mirror
R:  looking into mirror  Well, there's always tonight...
S:  winks back

to be continued...

"even if you're awake..."

I have never regretted anything more than the choice I made in May of last year.  I'm not one to regret anything, ever.  But this...this I regret.  I was stupid.  I was foolish.  I...I didn't really know what I was thinking.  I wasn't thinking.  Something was blocking my brain and I ruined...everything.  And now... I live alone.  I only get her on the weekends.  And I hate it.  I HATE IT.  Every time she leaves I cry.  I cry and I cry and I cry.  Life loses its luster when she's gone.  I just force myself to trudge through the work week so I can make it to that twenty four hours I get to spend with her.

I want her back.  I want him back.  I want my life back.  I want my family.

This isn't living.
This is dying.

favorite / things

scotch / pancakes
peanut butter / pickles
laughter / tears
clothes / skin
music / breathing
fingers / heartbeats
vodka / tonic
running / away / towards
paint / canvas
ears / shoulders
friends / love

"let your fears go, you may find that you're not lost..."

I argued with myself.  'Should I go?  Why shouldn't I?  Nah, I shouldn't go.  That's stupid.   It's too far.  You don't know where you're going.  You've never done this before.  Yeah I'm not gonna go.  I'm just gonna go home.  No, I should go.  Yeah I'm gonna go.  Ah maybe I shouldn't.  Ok, I'm gonna do it.'
After work I raced home, unloaded the unnecessaries from my car, emptied my backpack, repacked it, changed into sweatpants and a sweatshirt, and I was off and running.  Time of departure:  6:30pm.

I drove.  And I drove and I drove and I drove.  Made a few (very) quick stops:  caffeine reload at a Starbucks in Soledad, a gas station in I-Don't-Even-Know-Where for a pee.  I took the 101, crossed over through Stockton, landed on the 5, and I drove.  The music I was listening to transitioned as I made my journey:  old techno burned cds I made when I was a teenager, hip-hop I liked back then, then eventually I started grabbing random cds out of my cd case (because it was so dark I couldn't see them) and playing them.  Then I let my cd player rest for a bit while I scanned through whatever surrounding radio stations I could pick up along the road.  More hip-hop.  Then as I got closer to Sacramento I landed on a classical station and didn't change it.  My mood shifted.  The cd case opened back up and I pulled out my  Moulin Rouge soundtrack.  Had to hear Ewan McGregor singing "Come What May" (a few times).  I saw my final exit.  Up over the freeway, down the hill, running along the edge of Sacramento suburbia.  Left turn, immediate right, another left, another right.  Curve to the left, straight ahead.  Quick right turn.  Parked.  Engine shut off.  I sat for a moment.  Then promptly sprang out of my seat, closed my door, and leaned against the side of the car.  Standing on a street three hundred miles from home wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life.  Time of arrival:  10:40pm.


Mile markers:
Fear.  Excitement.  Anxiety.  Exhaustion.  Anger.  Thoughtfulness.  Doubt.  Hurt.  Sadness.  Peace.  Joy.  Reminiscence.  Contentment.  Ad nauseum.

Items of note:
I need to do this more often.
I need to listen to myself when the "shoulds" and "should nots" come into play.
I want to be a stunt driver.

You won't get lost.  You're taking the scenic route.

 Old Soul Co. coffee shop

 the flats found Sac Town

 A necessary thing

 Cool chair (and the girls are on...you guessed it...Facebook)

 James, the long-haired bartender at Pangaea Cafe

 Just a few of the neighborhood beer patrons

Napkin art drawn by Sean McC

"..heaven.."

"I can get to heaven / Walking out in the streets at night / Pushing my soul into the open wind / And in a daze I've been there / In a daze I begin to see the way..."  Heaven by Jes

These lyrics struck me just now in such a way that it made me realize this is probably one of the best ways to describe how people watching makes me feel.  I feel so at peace with the world:  the people, the air, the sun, the sky, the sounds, the smells!

I think we forget how amazing life is:  how blue the sky is, how teal the ocean is, how vibrantly-colored flowers are, how intoxicating a laugh is, how contagious a smile is.

Something I've started focusing on / being more aware of when I'm walking about is smell.  I breathe in everything, as much as I can.  Absorb emotions and feelings and words into my bloodstream.  I breathe in life and exhale peace.

Breathe.

"The Bitch is Back"

And then, quite suddenly, she leaped from her seat and stepped into the bathroom.  Heels, balls, toes hit carpet, linoleum, carpet.  The light flickered eerily when she flipped the switch.  Palms on the edge of the sink, skin changing colors with the pressure against the fake porcelain:  red, white, pink, purple.  She glares at herself, but she sees someone else looking back.  A hand, like her own, reaches into her makeup bag, comes back holding a pot of pure black.  The cap lands on the counter, tap, tap, tap, tap, and then swivels and settles on its back.  Fingertips smear the blackness on her eyelids, above and below, the whites of her eyes stark against.  Her jaw is set.  Her hand comes down.  Lights out.  It's time.

I don't understand it

Why.  Why are we so damn conditioned to worry?  To worry about life, things, stuff, work, our looks, our words, our bodies, everything!  Why does one contemplate what clothes to wear?  Does it matter?  Is that guy sitting over there really going to care that you wore flip-flops with those jeans and that sweater?  How dare you! ...Seriously people?...  I'm not saying just don't give a shit about anything, but just ease the fuck up.  Everything in this world is temporary.  Everything!  In a matter of years, which is absolutely NOTHING in comparison to the entire existence of this universe, everything will be gone, everything will be dust.  Everything changes.  Nothing stays.  So why?  Why??  Why worry?  Do what you love!  Do what you feel you must do!  Do it!  And do it with all of your heart!  Love people!  Breathe the air!  Taste flavors!  Touch skin!  LIVE!!!

"embrace me, surround me..."

I have a strange relationship with food.  There, I said it.
It seems like all my life I've had this ongoing battle with it.  I remember when I was a kid, I would sneak food, all the time.  I would grab a snack and hide behind the couch and eat it really fast.  I would go get ice cream after dinner and eat a bunch of it, then put some in my bowl, and bring it into the living room.  I would bring extra food up into my room.  I would refill my bowl or plate two or three times, and just eat and eat until I was disgustingly full.  Why?  Was I not well-provided for?  Quite the opposite in fact.  The fridge was generally always full, we were fed full range meals.  So what was my problem?  Honestly?  I have no idea.  To this day I still don't know.  Literally, just now, I reached into the trash can at work and almost grabbed some french fries that a customer had thrown away.  I picked up the bag, opened it, and actually contemplated it.  It kind of shocked myself that I would do that.  ...And now my stomach's growling...
I regret food.  A lot.  Food is sort of this strange bane of my existence.  I know that doesn't really technically make sense, but it is a mental bane, let's say.  I sit and contemplate food.  A lot.  I'll tell myself, 'You really shouldn't eat this.  Don't eat this.  You're going to regret it.'  If I'm good, I'll stop myself, and not do it.  Generally though, I cave and eat it.  Then I regret it.  Like always.  Urgh!  Stupid food!
I've more or less "dieted" off and on since I was about 16, and it sucks.  For a while there, I got into the mindset of 'Eh I'll just eat whatever and take things in moderation.'  Yeah, that's when I actually started noticing the weight coming back on.  Oops.  My problem is, I don't MOVE enough.  Working three jobs has helped, because it seems like all I do is go, go, go when I'm at work.  I need to dance more though.  A lot more.  I will be dancing more and more over these next couple months, but I need want to dance, like, a RIDICULOUS amount more.  I would really, really love to full out, hardcore, sweat-dripping dance for 2-3 hours per day.  That would be amazing.  Yeah.  Dancer OUT!

homosapien observation #1

02.09.11

So it begins!  I've decided to start photographing and documenting my people watching adventures, and I've decided to share it with you!  "...you step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you'll be swept off to."  I think I walked around town for probably about an hour, hour and half.  Up the streets, back down, crossing streets.  Did some repeat streets, but had a nice time nonetheless.  I even passed a girl twice sitting on a bench with a cardboard sign "Anything helps".  The second time I went by I took a five dollar bill out of my pocket and handed it to her.  She looked at me in shock and told me "God bless," and in return I smiled and said, "Just pay it forward, okay?"  It gave me butterflies.  Doing that alone just about made my day, on top of just having a lovely time walking about.  Then a little bit later, I'd just crossed the street, smiling consciously (as opposed to absent mindedly), I began to walk up the sidewalk and noticed a woman coming towards me.  The first thing (or things rather) were her legs, absolutely stunning.  Great heels.  Just really well put together.  I can appreciate that.  So in an effort to capture her  effort, I followed her through the courtyard in a vain attempt to photograph her.  You should click on the image to enlarge it, the quality's not great, but you might get an idea of what I was going for.  After that I wandered down through the Mission Plaza and happened upon a photographer.  So what would be more appropriate that photographing a photographer?  She sort of up-and-took off rather suddenly, but I wanted to get some sort of shot nonetheless (once again, click on the image to enlarge it).  Cute little thing.  Looked like a fun person to talk to.


Walking around that day, I felt really...at home.  Really quite..comfortable.  And elated.  And just overall quite content.  I really don't think people realize how amazing they are.  Although human beings can be quite awful and terrible and crude and cruel and a myriad of other negative connotations, there's still something about us all that is so...human.

"The Game Has Changed"

We're exactly one month into the new year, and here's my first entry of eleven-and-two-thousand.
Time.
It's interesting isn't it?  It's always there, in the back of your head, nagging at you.  And it's around you!  It surrounds us all, like this invisible web.  So much is based upon this concept of 'time.'
"What time is my appointment?"
"I'm going to be late for work."
"It's about time you showed up!"
"When I have the time I will..."
Strange isn't it?  Kind of amazing, and hard to fully absorb.
Time.  The fourth dimension.

And now for something completely different.  (Well...sort of...)
Music!
How influenced are you by music?  Does it make (or break) your day?  It can put a smile on your face, it can make you cry.  It gives you goosebumps.  It makes you angry.  I can be fairly logical and realistic about some things, but when it comes to music, the way a brain interprets it and sends out its messages through your body absolutely enthralls me.  Does anyone else wish that there was music playing everywhere at all times?  Like it was constantly just in the air.  I think more music should be played.  Anywhere!  Everywhere!  And whilst we walk, and talk, and read, and eat, and do whatever it is that we creatures do, it's there, whispering its way through our ears and into our brains and souls.  Filling in the voids and cracks and tiny empty spaces.

What's your song today?