We all really do go home alone

I must have stood in the rain for about a half an hour.  It was just past 1 am.  I could taste the mixture of sweat and rainwater running down my face and over my lips; it tasted metallic.  I didn't even think about the cold until I saw my breath steam and look down to realize my clothes were nearly completely rain-soaked.  I don't think I was crying, but every so often a warm drop of rain would run down the outer corners of my eyes.  Water pattered lovingly on the tree branches and their leaves, the park benches, the brick, the asphalt.  It pooled and puddled and swished and ran along the curb of the street.  I turned my face upward to the sky and for only a brief moment could I see a ghost of a moon, muffled behind layers of cloud, resting comfortably beyond the downpour.

I could still the thumping of the bass and the twang of the vocal tracks, the din of all those trying to speak on top of one another.  I watch the people stumble down the street; cars start moving away from their spaces every ten minutes or so.  I look towards the building, I think about my observations therein:  one young man who drunkenly told me several times that he hadn't seen a girl since high school, and that was "six years ago!"  Then a woman I went to elementary school with standing alone at the bar; I think she was looking for someone in particular, but I don't think the person was never found.  She looked sad..and drunk..but I felt sorry.  Another young man so far gone that he was literally spinning with his partner around the floor; it was like he was a ball and we were the bumpers in a pinball machine.  And another young woman, who moved from partner to partner, then would feel the severity of her drunkenness, sit for a short while, then get back up and do it all again.

After my friends dwindled away, I tried to maintain the energy and mood by myself, but at the change of a song, it was enough.  I gathered my layers to guard me against the weather.  I went down the stairs and stood below the balcony.  I put my jackets back on, shouldered my bag, then proceeded to walk towards the park.  Halfway across the grass, I realized I didn't care about being rained on.  I cast my hood back to let the rain come down into my hair.  The closer I got to my car, the more I realized I didn't want to leave yet.  I unlocked the car, put my bag in the backseat, closed the door, and walked back onto the grass.  The rain felt nice.  My body would have been steaming if I had been naked.  I felt like I could have stayed out until dawn.

Back to basics!

Simply, things that make me happy right now:

My big girl
Eggs Benedict
(And poached eggs by themselves)
Big leather bracelets
Rainy days
Stripes and polkadots
Jammies
Fireplaces
My Chu
Good tunes
Lord of the Rings movies marathons
Red wine
Rocking the Casbah
Puddles
Cute pandas
Henna
Lovies
Wet baby kisses

"the being formerly known as"

Through Reddit I became introduced to heroines.tumblr.com (warning:  contains some nudity, so somewhat NSFW).  A truly phenomenal photo and article project / collection.  After much page perusing, I came across this post, and it struck such a chord with me, I have to share it.  Please read the following:

Listen up.
I’m aware of the abuse I’ll probably get for this. I don’t give a fuck. Unfollow me, go on. Tell me you disagree with what I’m doing. I don’t care.
I just really, really want to get the message out there, and this is the only way I can think of doing it.
People who self-harm NEED YOUR HELP. No, they don’t need to be told they have a problem, or that they’re attention-seeking. They don’t need you to look at them disgusted, or tell them they should be ashamed. They need you to be there for them. Is that too much to ask?
Because no, self-harm isn’t plain ol’ attention seeking. I’d wear a short skirt and get my tits out if I wanted attention. It’s a way of silently screaming out that you cannot take any more of what you are going through. It’s asking for someone, anyone to help.
Please, please, please, if you know someone who harms - cutting, hair shredding, eating disorders, the rest of it - please help them. If they tell you, they are trusting you with their biggest, darkest secret. Tell them it will be okay. Tell them that you don’t judge them. And most importantly, if they want to stop, and just don’t know how to, then be the good fucking friend I know is in you and find them some help. It’s all you need to do.
You don’t have to work miracles. You just have to be there for someone.
I would just like to clarify, now my rant is over, that no, I do not take pictures of my scars. Ever. But for this, I felt I needed something to hammer the point home and make you sit up and listen. This is not easy for me to show my scars - no one has ever seen them. And if you have read this far, then thank you. Thank you for paying attention, for listening. You are a saint.
And if anyone happens to read this, who self harms, then please, please know: you are always loved, and understood, more than you can ever know. Find strength in your passion, find solice in your resiliance, and never let them take you alive. You know where I am if you need to talk. That goes out there to anyone. Together, we can survive this. <3

(Here's the link for the original post:  http://heroines.tumblr.com/post/1424056450/black-angel-project-listen-up-im-aware-of )

I was going to write more, but I can feel my anxiety seeping in, so I think I'm going to leave it at this point for now.  Thank you for reading.

"When the world ends, collect your things, you're coming with me..."

I saw the biggest falling star last night I've ever seen; here follows the event:
Just driving along downtown, taking Tabby home, and right in the middle of the sky, a HUGE shooting star comes streaking down towards Earth.  Without thinking, I brake.  In the middle of the street.  And then I think to myself, 'If the world were to end right now, in the four seconds it looks like it'll take for that to hit us, one, why in the hell am I braking, and two, would I leave this world satisfied with my life?'  Answer to number one:  stupid, simple human reaction.  Answer to number two:  No.  No, definitely not.  What in the hell are we all doing?  Why do we worry about such petty, ridiculous, nonsensical things?  Why must we linger on the sad and the depressing and the frustrating and the unhappy moments??  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  We are all here on this world, but for mere fragments of time!  We are but microscopic particles in the universe.  Time is always ticking away, always, always, always, always, just flowing, flowing, flowing.  So what are you doing?  Where are you?  In this moment, right now, is this what you want to be doing with your life?  Are you making every step of it deliberate??  Are you doing what you love?  Are you working towards a greater goal?  Are you doing what you feel you should be doing?  Do the ones you love know you love them?  Have you told them that?  Tell them.  Tell them all.  Appreciate every single thing.  Be with the people you want to be with.  Do what you love, and do it with all of your heart.

So tell me, what are you going to do with your life today?

Okay...So Now What?

Did I make a mistake?  I don't know.  It might still be too soon to tell.  It probably is.  All I know is that I'm not happy, I'm way too emotional, and there are feelings getting hurt and twisted and going perhaps misunderstood and untreated.  UGH.  Typically, or actually, the last time I was feeling pretty good about things falling into place, which was probably about 3 months ago, I was saying "No regrets..no mistakes.."  But now?  I don't know.  It never fails, when you're in the thick of it and have yet to get to that point where you actually see that "big picture," you definitely feel those choices that put you in whatever place you are today.  Then I just had to go off the beaten path and end up tripping and falling head first into something and it feels like EVERYTHING has gone downhill from there.  I get it, alright?  Bad choice.  But it's done now, and now I'm suffering, as I deserve.

Swirling Dust

She was traveling along
At a comfortable speed
On a road that was paved
But covered in patches.
She looked up ahead
And the road looked smoother up there
But the haze of the sun
Made it hard to see how far.
Then she came to a fork in the road
This new road looked nice
With green grass along the sides
And daisies sprinkled throughout.
She put a toe on this new road
And started to run downhill
But she could still see the patched road
Out of the corner of her eye.
Then she missed her patched road
And struggled up the slope
Only to find
That it was raining here now.
She took a leap and headed back down
The new smooth road
With grass
And daisies.
But soon she noticed
There were patches here too
But of a different sort of shade
And the grass and the daisies were artificial it seemed.
She reached up towards
Her old patched road
But found a guard rail
Running along its undefined length.
So now she treads on her own road,
It's just dirt and dirt and dirt
But there are a few trees here
And some deep-rooted flowers.
The sun follows the moon
The moon follows the sun
Over the dirt road
That she must tread upon.

"Deep Under"

I painted for the first time with acrylic paints last night, and wow, it was so amazing.  I've taken a drawing class before, but all we used were graphite pencils, charcoal, pens, india ink, and erasers.  That was also a beginning drawing class.  I signed up to do the intermediate drawing class, went to the first lesson, seemed like it would be a lot of fun, but it just didn't feel totally right for me.  So, here I am, doing my own thing :)  I'm thinking of picking up a book on acrylic painting.  Right now I just have black and white paint, and two brushes.  I have already learned that a square-ended brush produces much different strokes from a rounded brush; the square one will be good for edging, but the roundy one is much more flowy and fluid and finishes strokes nicely.  And I have a feeling I might be going through paint rather quickly, I think I'm already a good portion of the way through my black.  I think I want to maybe pick up A color, like a blue or an orange or something.  I would like to experiment mixing my black and white though, like maybe do a painting of a scale from white to black, and all the shades in between.  Something else I know I want is to pick up three little square canvases, each matching in size and no bigger than a square foot, and do a painting straight across all three canvases, then separate them and hang them a couple inches apart.  This will probably take a few trials because I'm thinking of how the resulting painting will translate once separated.  Like, if I did something spherical across all three, it might look weird with space in between; but if I did something straight and more or less linear, it would probably look alright spanning across the three canvases, also depending on what I want to convey and how they'll look with the spacing.  Eee!  I'm so excited!  I think I'm gonna have to go pick up some more canvases tonight.  Hmm...must think of new ideas...

Last night when I was initially thinking of painting, I wasn't sure if I should do like a landscape or an object or just something kinda random and abstract.  I actually found myself thinking of the way David Bromstad (yes, the Color Splash guy) paints; just sort of inspired by the rooms he designs, and just sort of a splash (yeah I said it) of colors and designs.  When I went to go do my first painting, I wanted some sort of gradient from black to white, but wasn't sure how to go about it.  So I was painting painting painting painting, black black black black, and then all of a sudden the little flicks that my brush was making at the bottom of the strokes started looking like birds.  Hence...

I'm pretty happy with it for it being my first painting.  This is definitely going to be a kick-ass experience learning this new artistic medium for sure.  So now I go, in search of inspiration!

They Look Like Airplanes

Stars.
Shooting stars.
Bright stars.
Twinkling stars.
Colorful stars.
Red, green, blue, yellow, and white stars.
Moving stars.
Small stars.
Faded stars.
Lost stars.
Gone stars.
New stars.
Old stars.
Far stars.
Near stars.
Planets,
Bright and large and whole.
The Moon:
Sinking.
Waning.
Comfortably half full.
Constellations,
Constellations:
Jagged lines.
Little Dipper,
Big Dipper.
Mirphak.
Casiopea.
Orion's Belt,
Hidden.
The Sun:
Click!
Off.
Click!
On.
Good Morning.

"Death, thou shalt die"

©2006-2010 ~LadybirdM

When I did a search for the word "Love," this was the first image that came up (on deviantart.com), so I decided to run with it.

Whenever I write a blog entry, I feel like I should write something, but the rest of me is just sort of going, 'Meh.'  It's weird.  Like, I really want to write more, put more out there, but I seem to be hard-pressed to find anything interesting/thought-provoking/positive enough to blog about at length.  Let us perhaps discuss the lately goings-on in my life.

I'm trying to find a new place to live.  Yeah.  Again.  Living with my sister has been fine, I can't believe how open she was to it and how great she's been about it all, but it's just so damn far from town, and I'm always having to go places, so I'm just BURNING through my gas.  Plus, it's her house and it's all her stuff, so bringing a chaotic younger sister and her rambunctious three year old daughter into it is pretty intense.  I just want to have a place that I can come home to, where I can unload all my shit, and Suraya can run around, and have it feel more ...whole?  As whole as it can be for being 'single mom' status I suppose.  I've given myself the options of renting a room from someone or trying to find a dinky little place that I can pay for by myself.  I would really prefer just to have my own place, even if it's a ridiculously small studio, I don't care.  We'll see how it goes.

And now I'm in the process of trying to find an income.  Yay!  Now that Twelfth Night is ending, I'll be able to get a night job somewhere; won't be able to do any more shows or have a social life, but that's not really a priority right now.  I've pretty much been meaning to do this for the past year, but now it really needs to happen.  I need money, like really need it.  I need a place on my own, and I've gotta have an income.  I mean, I have one job now, but it's only 1 day a week with no room for expansion, so I've gotta get more hours in with something.  Honestly I'm kinda looking forward to getting a second job just to learn a new/different experience, meet more new people; I'm determined to make it interesting.

And as far as really nitty gritty, personal, emotional, and relationship stuff goes...Hell, I don't even know.  *sigh*  I tell you what, something I'm finally coming to terms with is how much I probably ought to be single right now.  Not like having a relationship is a huge burden, but I want to be in one for the right reasons.  I don't want to feel like I "need" to be with someone, or have to "rely" or "depend" upon them for anything, other than basic love and general support.  It's not like I'm a user, or anything, I just...don't know what to do.  Or rather, just don't know how to go about it?  It's all the "shoulds" versus "wants" versus "desires" versus "needs."

Do you ever feel like you read something about someone, or see someone do something, and you think to yourself, 'My goodness, I would never do anything like that!' and then sort of realize that you are like that?  It makes me sad.  Such as, I've always thought of myself as a fairly selfless, intelligent, and kind person, but I sort of tend to not be those things, and it worries me.  Am I like that snooty bitch you see walking down the street?  Or that asshole who only speaks in snarky comebacks?  Or that stupid, ignorant person who is oblivious to everything around them?

Life.

Who'd've guessed, eh?

Opposite

Life.
Happy.
Well.
Content.
Alive.
Forward.
Clear.
Right.
Sane.
Smart.
Strong.

All the things that I am not.

Untitled

Wash away the thoughts inside
That keep my mind away from you.
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication,
Finding beauty in the dissonance.
You don't have to close your eyes,
Ease the pain to realize all that love can be.
All our blood lying on the floor, what we tried so hard to hide away.
Arms entwined in a final pose, in your eyes I can see it still.
An ugly pattern lays you down
And cuts its lines across your good intentions.
She was the weapon but your wounds were self inflicted.
Tomorrow knows you're hiding.
The mask you wear does not conceal
It's only you you're fighting.
Just find a vein.

Lyric segments spliced together by me; original lyrics from the following artists:  Josh Groban, Tool, How to Destroy Angels, and SLOT.

A Tribute

This entry is in honor of my friends.
To all of you:  I love you.
You are all so graceful, tactful, kind, generous, intelligent, wise, and beautiful.  I most definitely would not be the person I am today without you.  You've been with me through the great times, the bad times and easy times, the sad times, the fun times, and everything in between.  I am grateful for knowing each and every one of you and having you in my life.

And now for some individual shout-outs!
(And just because I say one thing about one person, doesn't mean I think any less of another!)
(And these might seem a little repetitive, but it's because you're all so amazing!)
(And enough 'ands' already!)

V-  You are so sweet and intelligent and feminine and poised.  I have always admired your femininity and kindness.  I'm so proud of you and all your accomplishments and so happy for your little family :)  Thank you for always being such a sweetheart.

L- You are so talented.  You are beautiful.  You are so smart and so genuine.  You are going places in this world and I envy everything that is YOU.  You were my lifejacket in highschool, and for that, I cannot thank you enough.  Please realize how great a human being you are.  For those out there who don't appreciate you for all that you do and all that you are, they are morons.  You were brought into this world for so many reasons.  You deserve so much.  Know this.

D-  I'm so blessed to have met you.  Your love and your personality is intoxicating.  I am SO proud of you for what you've achieved and what you WILL achieve in this world.  Just keep being your fun and amazing and intelligent self and you will go places.

J-  You have always been there for me.  Your dedication and loyalty and realness and kindness is unflappable.  You are so wise and creative and loving, and will always be one of the girls.  Go far, do what your heart tells you, stay true to yourself.  We're all here for you.

T-  "I can no other answer make but thanks, and thanks!"  Truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.  Thank you for your kindness.  Thank you for your genuineness.  Thank you for always backing me up and telling it to me straight!  Thank you for all the opportunities and help.  You are so driven and talented in so many ways.  You are so wise and mature, but you also know how to have a great time.

And to the rest of you:
Thank you all.  Thank you all for being in my life, being there for me.  Even if we were only friends for a short time, or had a falling out, are going through a rough patch, or are just now becoming friends, thank you.  Thank you for accepting me into your life at one point or another.  Know that you are loved and appreciated.

Selfish

I want.
I want cake.
I want chocolate.
I want happiness.
I want Freedom,
For me, for ALL!
Love!
Love, love, love, love, LOVE
For EVERYONE
For anyone who wants it!
Acceptance.
Adventure.
Life.
......
Patience.
...
Joy.
Sanity
(And a little bit of insanity).
Peace.
Goodness.
Genuineness.
INTELLIGENCE.

Negative Space in a Postive Place

©2004-2010 ~Mary--jane (www.deviantart.com) (I don't know this person, I just liked the image and decided to share it with you and give her credit for it)


I've been wanting to write about something all day long but have come up with nothing, so let's do some random thoughtpoints (just made that up) on the lately-goings-on-things-of-trivialness...Need to get my nails done, they're way grown out :S  I'm sunburned.  It hurts.  I've had three coffees today.  Well, technically, it was a chai latte and then two coffees.  Oy.  Finally balanced my checkbook register today after *mumble*mumble*garble*garble* weeks of not doing so.  A customer brought me an oversized, ceramic martini glass today, because he thought I'd like it (it shall make for a good weekend when full hehe).  I've really been sucking at working out lately; to tell you the truth, I haven't done so in WEEKS because of everything that's been going on.  Have had a bit of a shift in priorities (thank you headshakers).  I actually own a pair of girl shorts now, as opposed to dude cargos or boardshorts; AND a skort too.  Kinda scary.  Really not looking forward to summer progressing into hotter and hotter weather.  Blegh.  Give me 65 degrees and a breeze.  Or just rain.  Rain would be awesome.  Half runs start tonight for Twelfth.  Yay :).  My hair's about 2 inches long now I think.  Kinda weird.  Miss having shaved head but miss having long hair and miss having huge fro.  Sigh.  One more cup of coffee...

Cut.  Check the gate.  Print it.
Next.

Darkspiration

©2010 =Hart-Worx (found on DeviantArt.com)

I've been listening to a lot of what I would call "tribal-esque" music lately; just some really ...I don't know any other way to describe it than.. moving music.  Stuff that just makes my body start moving almost subconsciously, and sends goosebumps from my scalp down to my calves; stuff that I feel in the pit of my stomach.  That started several weeks ago.  Then it's just sort of slowly spiraled downward and gotten darker and darker.  [This feels like a side note, but it's related]: It's funny because I've never been a Tribal Bellydancer.  I've always done Cabaret style, or some form of Fusion; but Tribal's always been in the back of my mind.  'Course, several years back I called it "ethnic" style; which I would probably describe as very earthy tones, natural costume fibers, etc; I always had a pull towards it, but never really took it up.  I think ever since I saw a dancer at Rakassah this year (Sera Solstice) and promptly started soaking up every video of her dancing I could find, and even started listening to music she dances to, is when the call of the Tribal desire started seeping out.  Then I started looking at various photography on deviantart.com and being pulled towards darker imagery (I post a lot of my pictures on there) the picture above is from there.  And what I mean by 'darker imagery' doesn't mean blood or gore or really fearsome stuff (well, maybe for some) ...just...different.....Then I saw the video for Trent Reznor's "The Space In Between" (How To Destroy Angels).  Oh.  My.  Gosh.  I don't know what it is about it, but it absolutely draws me in.  The video is terrifying but wide-eyed addicting, and the song itself feels like hands pulling me down into a black pool.  Sounds awful, but it's so...enthralling.  So I realize how chaotic this entry might seem; let me try to get to some sort of point...

Listening to this 'darker' side of music (and of myself really) has really inspired me to be a more of a tribal dancer; and with the photography that I've been forging through has just furthered the desire.  And let me clarify something...When I say 'darker,' I don't really mean 'gothic' or 'pessimistic' or any of that 'black like my soul' shit.  This just feels like ... this:

©2009-2010 ~Greyguardian

 An involuntary but accepted pull towards something...different.  And.  Exciting.

Cheers.

On A Positive Note - An Expansion on Happy

Okay, so I was writing one thing, but it was leaning towards the negative and I'd really like this blog to focus on the positive.  Here, why don't we just expand on the title of my blog.
"Happiness and Praise - As Opposed to Complaints and Grievances."
Usually if I go to express thoughts or feelings about something, anything really, whether it's in writing (ie: blog, text, status update) or speech, nine times out of ten it would be negative-based, and I'd want to complain or gripe.  Instead, what I've been trying to get myself to do is react positively and think about the good of whatever bad thing I have experienced or witnessed.  Such as, thismorning, not an hour ago, I was having issues with deleting a program off the computer and I was going to rant and rave and complain about it on the good ol' Book o' Face, but waited for a second, deleted it, and thought of something that made me happy and put that in its place.  If I think one year down the road, or six months, or one month from now, or even just later today, and say to myself, 'Will it really effing matter that a COMPUTER PROGRAM irritated you for TEN MINUTES out of your ENTIRE life??'  Think about it people.  Think about how quickly we jump to stress and irritation and frustration today.  I won't have it anymore!  I just won't have it.  IT'S NOT WORTH IT.  Like, driving.  Yes.  Driving.  Where we all think we're in our own little worlds.  Driving along on the freeway, going at whatever speed you're going at, someone comes up on your ass, or someone cuts you off, or can't maintain a consistent driving speed, or whatever.  It doesn't matter.  Really.  As long as YOU are safe and YOU are in control of you, it doesn't bloody matter.  Just let it go.  Or just any relations with the public as a whole.  People yell and scream at each other, and get angry and blame, and it's just not worth it.  Someone told me, "If everyone in the whole world stopped and laughed for thirty minutes, everyone; guaranteed, there would be no war."  I like that.  We need more happiness and positive things in this world.  Life is SO short.  Think about it!  How insignificant we are in this world.  Enjoy it!  Soak it up!  Milk it for all its worth.  Have FUN.  Be a kid again.  Make an ass of yourself.  Be ridiculous and silly and stupid and embarrassing.  Just enjoy.  Fall down.  Make silly faces.  Sing out loud.  Dance in public.  Speak in funny voices.  Make people laugh.  Make yourself laugh.  Live.

So that's quite like being in the army...

Did you know that pale pink exudes and portrays a calming energy?
Wow, "calming energy."  That's pretty oxymoronic of me now isn't it??
What a lovely way to start a blog!
And awaaaaaaaaaaaaay we go!

So here's me, doing muh thing, bloggin' away.  Haven't done so in a wee bit of awhile.  Golly, I used to blog on myspace CONSTANTLY; but good ol' F-Book does "NOTES" and not "BLOGS" so I blog elsevhere (yes there's a 'v' there on purpose); MUAHAHA.

Today is a jazz/romance/sappy/swing-induced day, and I'm loving it.
We've got a little Michael Buble, Nat King Cole, Norah Jones, Ray Charles, etc. etc. etc. goin' on and it's gooooooooood.

So.  Ah yes, "so."  My prior blog followers are pretty well aware that this word is probably my favorite when it comes to blogs, and the like.  So.  Yes.  And.  Yes and.  I love that.  Do you ever do that?  You're sort of reiterating a point and you say "Yes, AND."  I love that.  It sounds fragmented, but I think it works.

Ooh!  Shall we discuss made up words??  Do, let's!

Epiphanical:  describing a moment of epiphany.

Delurring:  replacement for the word 'delirious'; as in "I'm delurring!"
  (disclaimer:  I actually can't even take credit for this, that would go to Mrs. Jenny Liddle :))

Aaaaaaaand wow I can't think of anything else right now.  Huh.
Look at the kitty! <--yes that's how my brain works

Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyoooooooooooowwwwwwmmmmmmmm.....
If you didn't catch that, that was the sound of my brain whizzing by.

Ok *cracks knuckles seriously* let's get down to brass tacks (ouch?) (Because I didn't know its origin, I share my findings of the phrase with you)...
In all seriousness now...
My life as of late has been...interesting.  (Can I get an amen sistahs??)
Let's see...keywords to describe my life.
Heavy.
Intense.
Pandemonium?
Superb!
A.  Lot.
Then some.
Confuzzling (ah-ha!  Another made up one!)

But...good...I think.  Hahaha...
Yes it's good, it's just...a lot.