2012

Well, let's see if I can sum up this year...
Rang in the new year with an awesome night hike and with a great guy.
Then work.  Lots of work.  Learning a whole bunch of stuff at work.  Pretty much living at work.
Assistant Directing Little Princess, dancing in Dreamweaver.
Working minimum 60 hours a week.
Feeling the strain, in every part of my life, and everything falls apart.
Ttrudging through daily life.
Glimmers of hope and happiness.  A lot of uncertainty.  More heartache.  Again.
"Beating a dead horse." "Attempting the impossible."
Trying.  Trying, trying, trying.
More hope, almost "normal."  Trying...trying...trying...failing, failing, failing...
Then something snaps.
Have a mental breakdown and crying in front of my boss at work.
Then I stop caring.
Final attempt.  Final failure.  And then reiteration of failure.  Thanks ever so much.
And now I'm back into work mode.  I LOVE being at work.  I love being at work because: I'm not alone, I don't have to be home, I can focus on other things.
So here I am, New Year's Eve, back in my mom's house, home alone.  I've got How I Met Your Mother going in the background, not even watching it really.  I'm really tired.  I'm really lonely.  I hate this.  I'm ready for all this to be over and done and gone.  2012, you were alright okay.  You had your highlights, there were some really, really great times.  But I really miss my best friend, and it sucks.  2013, we've gotta get this back, cuz I really need it.  Please.

"Strange Weather"

I want to be everywhere and nowhere.  I want to be surrounded by friends but I want to be alone.  I want to be with you and I don't.  I want to live and I want to die.  I want to run away but I don't want to leave.  I want to go back and I want to move on.  I want old and I want new.  I want change and I want to refresh the past.  I want it all and I want nothing.  I want to stay and I want to go.  I have nothing but I have too much.  I'm tired...

"it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth..."

So I think I'm finally starting to see a pattern.  Shit goes down, I blow up, and then I shut up.  Like, literally.  I go completely silent.  I get hardened.  And I wonder.  I wonder...I wonder...I wonder.  I completely over-think EVERY. THING.  And then I realize I'm the only one in my little world being the crazy person that I am.  I HATE not talking.  I HATE IT!  Communication MUST be made.  I have to break this cycle.  It's not a want, it's not just a need, it HAS to be done.  I can't go on like this.  I won't survive.  And nor will any relationship that I'm in.  My mind wanders inexorably.  I HAVE to get out of this Grand Canyon Mariana's Trench of self-pity and emotion.  I HAVE to get over myself.  I have to.  This can't happen again.  Things have to change.

I need to learn to be happy again.  I need to learn to let be.  I am NOT dead.  I am ALIVE.  I am living.  I am breathing.  I've been so blessed in so many ways.  I want love.  I need love.  I want to be.  I want my heart to stop closing in on itself and open and see and breathe.  I can do this.  I CAN do this.