"it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth..."

So I think I'm finally starting to see a pattern.  Shit goes down, I blow up, and then I shut up.  Like, literally.  I go completely silent.  I get hardened.  And I wonder.  I wonder...I wonder...I wonder.  I completely over-think EVERY. THING.  And then I realize I'm the only one in my little world being the crazy person that I am.  I HATE not talking.  I HATE IT!  Communication MUST be made.  I have to break this cycle.  It's not a want, it's not just a need, it HAS to be done.  I can't go on like this.  I won't survive.  And nor will any relationship that I'm in.  My mind wanders inexorably.  I HAVE to get out of this Grand Canyon Mariana's Trench of self-pity and emotion.  I HAVE to get over myself.  I have to.  This can't happen again.  Things have to change.

I need to learn to be happy again.  I need to learn to let be.  I am NOT dead.  I am ALIVE.  I am living.  I am breathing.  I've been so blessed in so many ways.  I want love.  I need love.  I want to be.  I want my heart to stop closing in on itself and open and see and breathe.  I can do this.  I CAN do this.