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I wrote this about a month and a half ago and forgot about it up til now...huh...
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I'm not happy.  I am not a happy person.  At least I don't feel like it.  I can put on the happy face, but I don't like it.  I hate being fake.  I hate it when people are fake.
I want to change.  I want to be different.  I want so many goddamn motherfucking things.  I want nicer skin.  I want normal hair.  I want a nice body.  I want to be able to look in the mirror and not be disgusted.  I want to be able to walk around naked and not feel everything jiggling and worrying about how I look.  I want to stop giving a shit.  I HATE caring about what other people think!
I want people to get along.  I want people to stop being shitty to each other.  I'm tired of the bickering and snapping and bitchiness and sarcasm.  I hate hearing people argue.  It drives my anxiety through the roof.  I can't even stand hearing people talking in an adjacent room, even if they're not upset, because my brain automatically turns it into a bad/angry situation and suddenly I'm 8 years old listening to my parents fight and yell and scream at each other, and throw shit.  Hmm, I wonder why I throw and shatter coffee cups, punch walls until I fracture my knuckles, and have a shitload of scars on my arms.  LET'S JUST THINK.
I want normal hands.  Hands that aren't either dripping in sweat or so dry that I can't separate two goddamn pieces of paper.  I want to not freak someone out when I shake their hand, and I have to apologize and say, "Oh, sorry my hands are just like that," and they always say, "Oh it's fine" and then wipe their hand off on their pantleg awkwardly.  Thanks for making me feel like less of a freak.
I'm worried.  I'm worried I'm going to snap.  I'm going to snap and scare someone.  And just not a little, but a lot.
I can't focus on anything.  Everything shakes and blurs, and I feel slow and STUPID.  And I feel like I'm losing my memory.  I cannot remember things that should not be difficult to remember.
I don't like people.  I am not a people person.  I hate people.  People are bitches.  Whiny, cheap, annoying bitches.  And they drive me fucking crazy.  I am in the wrong business.
When is it worth it?  What makes it worth it?  Don't give me that 'you have to take the bad to appreciate the good' crap.  I don't want to hear that.  What makes it good?  How do you keep going?  How do you keep going on and on?  Every day?  I don't know how I do it.  I really don't.  I have friends, but few and I rarely see them.  I have Suraya, but barely, and when she's with me she doesn't enjoy it.  I have a boyfriend, but it's a struggle every day to not completely drive him away.  I really feel like I have nothing.  I don't care about the "stuff" shit, I have a car, I have a roof over my head, I have food in my pantry, whatever.  I'm not.  Fucking.  Happy.
This is all such a big fucking joke.  With no goddamn punchline.  One big rhetorical question.  Don't try answering it, cuz there's no point, and someone would argue with you about it anyway.  What's the point.

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Since this I have started taking antidepressants. My workout regimen has almost completely disappeared, and I've started eating anything and everything I want. I can see my body changing again, and not for the better. Change needs happen. More. Again. Now.

All or Nothing

I've had a realization:  I don't really have that much going on for me right now.  But at the same time, there are a lot of different things going on.  I'm not doing any dance or theater shows right now, which is kinda of a bummer.  I miss them, as stressful as they can be.  I would like to get involved in doing dance again, whether it's teaching a class, joining a class of something I already know about to refresh myself, or learning a new type of dance.

Work has changed, been at the new store for five weeks now, and I cannot believe how different it is.  Seems like there's less drama, or maybe I just haven't heard much of it yet.  I have heard some BS already, but I'm choosing to not invest in the gossip.  It's very much more organized there as well, really enjoying the way they implement things there.  There are the usual "special" coworkers and customers, but that's everywhere.  My schedule is pretty erratic (and light), but I'm sort of at the bottom of the totem pole so it'll take some working up to get where I'd like to be.

Speaking of where I'd like to be, medically I am not feeling...fabulous.  I've had an issue since July of last year that I've been trying to deal with handle, and it's not pleasant.  I'm now on my fourth medication to try to combat it, but this one gives me headaches, and only partially helps my problem.  Sigh.  I've undergone so many tests for this and haven't really gotten any answers.  Trying to stay positive and hopeful but it's been rough.  I'm not much of a 'take a drug for it' type of person anyway, so if I could find natural solutions, that would be awesome.

In my physicality, I've been trying to up my workout routines and really challenge my body to strengthen and learn and tone.  My diet has been falling a bit by the wayside, but that's in the works.

In the land of being mommy to Miss Awesome Monkey, this has been an interesting age.  Attitude, bargaining, begging, and backtalk have developed, which I am not happy with.  I know there are a lot of factors involved (two households, various relations, schoolmates, etc.), but definitely trying to work through the problems intelligently and in a way she understands, by very openly explaining solutions to her and surround her with love so she doesn't feel attacked.  We're trying to reduce the videogame time at our house because I've found they make her irritable, and incorporate more card games, board games, drawing time, and journal time.  Also more outdoor activities, getting her strength up with hiking, walks to the park, etc.

And now for some mental mush.......
..............
Sometimes my life doesn't feel real, like I'm waiting for a movie to start.  Like I'll look into the future and say, 'Oh yeah, like when this happens someday,' or 'I'll get there someday.'  Almost like I'm not owning up to my existence?  It's strange.  Something is different though.  I feel like I've gone through so much, even in just the past year.  It's like everything changes slowly but all at once.  Then I look back a year ago, two years ago, three years ago, and see where I'm at now.  A year ago I was working 60 hours a week between two jobs, and doing two shows at once.  I was stressed, but I was happy.  Now I'm barely working 40 hours, and not doing much else.  I do have different areas of my life developing, and maybe I'm just handling them differently now.  This is my All or Nothing.

"i remember..."

I take a sip of wine.  It's a cabernet sauvignon.  Pick up my laptop, kick my feet up on the coffee table, sit back, settle in, take a breath.

"You don't have to move on to let go."
(Thanks Kaskade)

Tuned in, turned up, flowing, vascular, active, aware.  Musical.  Movement.

Softness, soft fur.  Paws pad across my belly.

Two mental om's........

So hello.  Welcome to the world of me.  Status update is in order I suppose.  Current location:  friend's couch, friend's apartment, SLO.  Housesitting.  It's rather nice.  Good change of pace.  Plus the weather here is fantastic.  Been taking care of a little pretty kitty, miss furball (who's watching me from the back of the couch).

What all the hell has been going on for me.  People ask me that.  "So, what's new and exciting for you?"  Well, honestly, I guess every day is technically new and exciting.  But let's just go down the list....completed Dreamweaver 2013 a month ago, wow what a fantastic show.  So much talent involved!  And just absolutely rocked our numbers this year.  Plus we made record-time in choreographing a dance.  Three minute dance in 35 minutes.  Seriously.  Record.  Got a few big-ish gigs coming up that we'd like to take part in:  Desert Dance Festival in Santa Clara this September, and SLO Cabaret Belly Dance Festival this October.  Hopefully might actually revive my bellydance class here soon.  Been working out like every day, maybe skipping one or two days a week, but been kicking some major ass.  I think I'm actually, finally, technically smaller than I was in high school, which is like..a lot.  Still 20 pounds away from my goal weight, but I'm working on it.  But when I look back and go "Wow, six years ago I was over 200 pounds," that's pretty cool.  I've definitely not lost it fast, but it's a work in progress.

The day after we closed Dreamweaver I started rehearsals for Mulan, filling my usual place as assistant director extraordinaire.  And the Director and I positively reFUSE to put ourselves in this show.  (In the past we've had to get things together at the last minute because we were short on actors and had to jump into the shows, which actually made me an actor for the first time EVER last year).  We open Mulan in exactly two months (.......oh my god), and it's going pretty well.  I might actually kind of know how to sing by the end of it because I sing along with the actors every time we run the musical numbers (which is like every two pages in the script).  Actually got to sit down at the keyboard and help out during rehearsal, which is funny because I haven't touched a piano in over ten years.  But I can actually read music, which I'm really proud of (and a surprising amount of artists aren't able to).  Makes me want to download sheet music and start teaching myself to play more songs.  Speaking of music...

Oh my god I have been so effing tuned in to music.  I mean, yeah it's me, I always frickin' am.  But like I want to a part of it so much.  I want to go to shows and festivals and have it blaring all around me.

Sigh...sleep.  Sleep evades me.  Again.  I mean, don't get wrong, I'm effing exhausted.  Today is my weekly 20 hour day, and man, it takes it out of me.  Especially driving.  Wears me out.  Which effing scares me because that's how I got in my car accident eight years ago (falling asleep while driving is not pleasant).  Perhaps I will end this here and send myself off to Neverland.  Good night all, thank you for joining me.  And if I don't see you:  good sleep, good rise, and great day.

"(don't) think about all those things you feel"

Status update!
I am now down about 15 pounds, which puts me at 160, and I am getting excited about it!  I have not seen 160 pounds on the scale since probably 2004.  DAMN.  25 more to go and I will be STOKED.  And this has been hard, belieeeeeeeeeeve me.  Really.  Effing.  Hard.  But this is happening!  Every day after work I either go on a 2 hour walk with weights, interval run at least 5 miles, or go on a 90 minute hike.  I think I'm going to turn turning into one of those crazy workout people.  The twins and badonk have gone down like half the size they were, which is a good sign, now the rest of me just needs to follow!  I really want to get one of those muscle-toning dvd workouts, like Insanity or Ripped in 30, because the running and hiking is great, but I need to tone up.  I am SO excited about this!!!

In other news, I'm still apartment hunting, which has been a bitch!  But I'm hoping that something is making me bide my time waiting for something really good to come along.  I'm saving money right now, and it's a wonderful thing.  Pretty much every rental property management wants 3x's the rent for your monthly income for their sake, and that's awesome, but I'm -RIGHT- at that income borderline where I juuuust can't get a place on my own.  But it'll happen.  Less than six months and I'll have my car and credit card paid off.  Can't wait!

Aaaaaand now we're shopping for new costumes for dance show!  Muahahahahahaha!  Good stuff, good stuff!!

"Run for Cover"

Going into week four of the new year, time for a life assessment!
My eating habits have changed DRAMATICALLY.  Old breakfast: bacon, eggs, toast, orange juice.  New breakfast: protein bar or grapefruit.  Old lunch: mexican food...In n Out, etc.  New lunch: 200 calorie salad.  Old dinner: lasagna, mac n cheese, whatever.  New dinner: small piece of chicken breast and carrots.  Activity schedule has changed too; one, because I can't STAND sitting on my ass all day/night, and two, dammit I want to be a freakin' fox!  If I don't have enough daylight for a good 3-5 mile hike, I try to atleast get in a 2-3 mile street run.  I've lost about ten pounds so far, and have about 30 more to go!  Just gotta kick up that intensity yo.  I'm so over feeling trapped in this body! (Grateful that I am that it encompasses my soul!)

I'm actually sort of kind of maybe a little financially stable right now.  I know!  Crazy, right?!  Now I'm just trying to save save save as much as I can.  Always looking for a new place to live, but I'd like to put away a biiiiit more money before I move back out on my own.

My credit card (yes, just one) and my car will be paid off by this summer, hallelujah!  I'll actually OWN a vehicle, I kind of can't believe it.  It's taken a long time and a ridiculous amount of payments and I don't even want to know how much interest, but I don't really care, because it'll be mine!  So that's a good chunk of change I'll be saving as well.

Adding more tattoo concepts to the list of "Someday I'm gonna get this!"...Definitely want to get out and do more photography...Need to do more artistic/drawing/painting stuff...Exploring more music, falling in love with new songs every day...Do more dancing! (like ya do)...

And yes, on one final note, letting my hair grow out :)

2012

Well, let's see if I can sum up this year...
Rang in the new year with an awesome night hike and with a great guy.
Then work.  Lots of work.  Learning a whole bunch of stuff at work.  Pretty much living at work.
Assistant Directing Little Princess, dancing in Dreamweaver.
Working minimum 60 hours a week.
Feeling the strain, in every part of my life, and everything falls apart.
Ttrudging through daily life.
Glimmers of hope and happiness.  A lot of uncertainty.  More heartache.  Again.
"Beating a dead horse." "Attempting the impossible."
Trying.  Trying, trying, trying.
More hope, almost "normal."  Trying...trying...trying...failing, failing, failing...
Then something snaps.
Have a mental breakdown and crying in front of my boss at work.
Then I stop caring.
Final attempt.  Final failure.  And then reiteration of failure.  Thanks ever so much.
And now I'm back into work mode.  I LOVE being at work.  I love being at work because: I'm not alone, I don't have to be home, I can focus on other things.
So here I am, New Year's Eve, back in my mom's house, home alone.  I've got How I Met Your Mother going in the background, not even watching it really.  I'm really tired.  I'm really lonely.  I hate this.  I'm ready for all this to be over and done and gone.  2012, you were alright okay.  You had your highlights, there were some really, really great times.  But I really miss my best friend, and it sucks.  2013, we've gotta get this back, cuz I really need it.  Please.

"Strange Weather"

I want to be everywhere and nowhere.  I want to be surrounded by friends but I want to be alone.  I want to be with you and I don't.  I want to live and I want to die.  I want to run away but I don't want to leave.  I want to go back and I want to move on.  I want old and I want new.  I want change and I want to refresh the past.  I want it all and I want nothing.  I want to stay and I want to go.  I have nothing but I have too much.  I'm tired...

"it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth..."

So I think I'm finally starting to see a pattern.  Shit goes down, I blow up, and then I shut up.  Like, literally.  I go completely silent.  I get hardened.  And I wonder.  I wonder...I wonder...I wonder.  I completely over-think EVERY. THING.  And then I realize I'm the only one in my little world being the crazy person that I am.  I HATE not talking.  I HATE IT!  Communication MUST be made.  I have to break this cycle.  It's not a want, it's not just a need, it HAS to be done.  I can't go on like this.  I won't survive.  And nor will any relationship that I'm in.  My mind wanders inexorably.  I HAVE to get out of this Grand Canyon Mariana's Trench of self-pity and emotion.  I HAVE to get over myself.  I have to.  This can't happen again.  Things have to change.

I need to learn to be happy again.  I need to learn to let be.  I am NOT dead.  I am ALIVE.  I am living.  I am breathing.  I've been so blessed in so many ways.  I want love.  I need love.  I want to be.  I want my heart to stop closing in on itself and open and see and breathe.  I can do this.  I CAN do this.

we run the night

Hi!  Welcome back :)  Been long enough eh?  Wow my last post was in February?  Jeebus.  The hell have I been doing?  Hmm..Little Princess..DreamWeaver...mucho jobbage.  Yeah.  Trying to stay sane.  And now we're right in the middle of summer and GODDAMMIT IT'S TOO HOT!!  Effing-a.  C'est la vie!

Things that I know!
Friends are awesome.  Especially in groups.  Or even singularly.  Friendships rock my world.
Dancing!  Oh my word, dancing!  Going out dancing I mean.  Alright, so I feel like I'm in that weird middle stage of girls who is still able to go out dancing.  I feel like everyone is either 21 or 30 in the clubs!  So weird!  But it's fun.  Yay for being a club kid.  Went out with a fanTASTIC group of peeps last weekend and I got my groove on crazy-style.  A girl commented on my dancing and thought I was high.  That was funny!  (Clarification: I was NOT high lol).
It's hot.  It's gross.  Walking outside is like walking into a sun cloud (yes I just made that up, and yes it's totally legit).
Hopefully should be having some good things at work coming my way.  My bosses are tossing around ideas of what to do with me, and it's all good stuff (ie: more responsibility / hours / pay).  Might take a little while to get off the ground, but it's happening!
I am a daily Starbucks offender.  Yes.  It's true.  I'm kind of obsessed lol.  It's not even like I can't get through the day without a caffeine fix, but more like I just can't get through without the flavors! haha weirdness
I have hair!  Yes can you believe it's hot out and Danielle has NOT shaved her head?? (Shout out to the fabulous Bald Britt!!)  Kinda wish I didn't have hair to mess with, but right now it is this sort of raspberry color, so I'm okay with that.  For now ;)
I've decided there are such things called Universe Days.  Yes!  I shall educate you:
Those days where the air caresses your skin in all the right ways.  Children giggle merrily in the park.  It's clear and cool out, and the TreeSpeak is present.  Your heart swells in your chest and all feels so, so right!  I had one of those a few days ago.  It just feels so cleansing on my soul!  Such pleasantry.  Make sure you have your Universe Days :)

The Dream

All I can really remember is the end.  I was walking through a forest, and there was something going on, something big and serious, as in globally big and serious.  I stepped into a cabin, and there was a group of indiscernible people sitting around, I think on benches in front of a fireplace.  And, call me crazy, but I think Darth Vadar was there.  He was sort of at the center of everything, and he was focusing on a large, roundish object, and everyone was focusing on him.  It was very much an intriguing yet indifferent "What the hell's going on?" sort of moment.  I don't know if I was really there or just a ghost of a person, or if anyone could see me or knew I was there, but I just was sort of hovering and waiting, like I'd just casually walked in on something out of the blue.  Tension started building, and I think we all knew or at least thought we knew what was happening or going to happen.  The round object was some sort of bomb.  I remember trying to prepare myself for what was going to happen.  I remember I became very aware of how I was breathing, and I was taking very deliberate breaths, like I knew something was coming.  Then suddenly there was an immense, growing, rushing sound and feeling, like all the world and its people was being pulled through me and towards the bomb.  Everything was slowly getting white and brighter.  I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to hold myself steady.  The rushing feeling, I can't get over it.  I've never felt anything like it.  I knew the world was going to implode on itself and then explode out.  The rushing kept building and building, and then there was a moment of total awaiting silence, and a catastrophic explosion burst out and through me and everything.  Everything flashed white.  The strange thing here was that it was like everything was gone for just a split second, but I could still see it all; the cabin and the people were gone, but I think I was still somehow in the forest.  Somehow I still existed.  I remember seeing some sort of outline, and someone or something blue.  Then I became aware that I was alone in space, the world was gone, and I looked around for a half a second and could see only black space and stars, and worried how I was going to breathe.  That's when I woke up hyperventilating and whimpering.  And I was only sort of scared.  And something else that was made known to me, was that I was the bomb.

The (Bodily) Truth

I am a stocky, curvy girl.  I am a size 12.  I weigh 165 pounds.  I outweigh most of my girlfriends, and a lot of my guy friends.  I've been FIGHTING against my body my entire life so far.  When I was 15 and I started lifting weights I went from 150 to 138 pounds, and I loved it.  I want to be that weight again, but everyone tells me I would look sickly.  I envy my sister's body.  I envy the fact that my best friend has been doing so well at losing weight (but I am so proud of her).  I dress my body to disguise and smooth it out and try to just be curvy.
I'm a cutter.  I've been doing it since I was a teenager.  I cut myself to punish myself.  To reach out, to ask for help, without vocalizing "help me."  When I am ashamed of my choices.
I can't take compliments.  I can't.  I hear them, and I cringe.  It's like they bounce off my invisible armor.
I'm growing out my hair for everyone else but me.
I secretly (well, not anymore I guess) always want affirmations of myself from others.
I try not to give a shit about what people see me dressed in, but sometimes my lack of self-esteem gets the best of me and I try to look 'normal.'
I feel like my face looks best with eye makeup on.
I'm realizing I don't think I'm as great a dancer as I thought I was.
I wish I could sing.

thankful

This is not a complaint.  Not at all.  In any way.  This is me being so grateful for all the opportunities that I've become a part of.  I have three jobs.  I'm a head bookkeeper that has now successfully trained a new backup bookkeeper.  I'm a receptionist/learning automotive service writer.  I've gone from stage manager to assistant director at a children's theatre.  I'm in two numbers in an absolutely amazing dance show, my third year being involved in it.  And outside of all of that, yet intermixed and intertwined and weaving in and out of all of it, I'm learning, I'm growing, I'm loving, I'm crying, I'm laughing.  I think I'm actually becoming an adult.  I think the only things I'm not doing (at least not doing well) are sleeping and eating.  Those figments, if you will, have sort of left my awareness.  The eating thing, I can handle, because food and diet have always been such problematic areas for me, it's nice not having them on the front burner.  Sleep, on the other hand, is big for me.  When I don't get enough, or the right kind of, sleep, I get delirious, and feel hungover.  The day will just sort of slide by in a haze, and before I know it, I've been working for thirteen hours straight, haven't eaten for half the day, and wonder what happened and where everything went.  But I reiterate... None of these are complaints.  I say that for myself, for my viewers, and for the universe.  I am thankful.  For all of it.  Because I know how much this will teach me and help me grow.

you are beautiful

So here's an actual blog entry for you, as opposed to just random words and emotions.  Well, I guess it is words and emotions, just with more words in between them, ha.  Last Wednesday night I went out dancing, and I realized, I've been going clubbing for over ten years now.  Kind of mildly amazing.  I won't use the word awesome, well, I guess I could.  Not in the sense of the real, true meaning of the word 'awesome,' as in 'sheer awesome power of the universe,' but my little world of awesome.  Back to my thought of train...after walking out of the club last night, I felt like I was slightly drunk on something.  I'd only had two or three sips of a friend's scotch on the rocks, so it wasn't actual drunkenness, or even an alcohol buzz.  It was just a...situational / environmental / dance buzz I guess?  Driving away everything felt sort of fuzzy, and I was compelled to put down my window while I drove, which I almost rarely do, especially when it's nighttime...and about 45 degrees out...and driving faster than 45mph because the sound rippling past an open car window hurts my ears terribly...but I looked up at that moon and thought of Harold and the Purple Crayon and how "the moon went with him." I looked up at Madonna Mountain and so, so badly wanted to go hiking right at that moment, even though I was completely sweat-soaked and tired from just having danced so hard for an hour and half.  The hill was perfectly black and silhouetted so beautifully by moonlight, I just felt like I wanted to be out there and be a part of it.

Something else sort of magical happened Sunday afternoon during my hike.  Firstly, I'll say that I have a very interesting thought process when it comes to running.  I have figured out when I run, that I need to look straight ahead of me, and past my destination and sort of run through it to keep my momentum going.  That's one thing.  Then I also figured out if I focus on my breathing, that I feel like I'm almost floating and that makes running easier.  But what happened yesterday while jogging, was I found myself looking around and turning my head slowly from side to side and admiring the view, and was completely thinking about everything else except running, and it felt so amazing.  I guess that may be my equivalent to when people say they get a 'runner's high.'  It was great though.  I can't wait to get out there and feel it again!

hallelujah

philosophy over breakfast.  psychology.  sociology.  social psychology.  (ahhh...)  our art.  why we are artists.  trusting our peers.  our surrounding and fellow artists.  being wholesome.  translating/transferring our wholeness into our art.  making the connection.  brain to arm to tool.  mental block.  emotional breakdown.  epiphany!  HARD epiphany.  "duh!!"  complete, total, utter out-of-body, floating/swelling beyond my physical boundaries (skin).  part of the universe and everything.  yes!

bros night

bro-ing out.  bro style.  with the bros.  four bros.  and a baby (sleeping on the couch).
old house.  feels good.  smells old.  smells good.
coffee?  tea!  orange tea!
billiards.  youtube.  dominos.  "Your driver is Ryan."  PIZZA.  brooklyn style.  soda!
"And in heels as well!"
laughs...alright, snorts...
Canadian cue?
..four games of cutthroat.  teams.  scratches.  curved breaks.  wins all around.
i love bros night.

For Me, Deux

I wear makeup because it makes me feel pretty.
I wear those heels because they make me feel sexy.
I wear that shirt because it makes me feel hot.
I give you that smile because it makes me feel beautiful.
This year, my friends, is for me.
Because to better myself for others,
I must be BEST for me.
So here's to you, and you, and you,
And here's to me.
And I say to myself,
'Self, have a hell of a fuckin' good year.'
Amen, sister.

For Me

Raindrops on my face,
My soft Monkey's cheekies,
Mint tea in my Tabby mug,
Warm hands in my fleecies.
Giving out gifts wrapped clumsily by me,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the fog frights,
When I get weak knees,
When I curse and get mad,
I breathe in the air and stand on top of the world,
And that makes me feel so glad.

La danse poetic

That would I think of you bodes well
And yet..
And yet..
Come!  And away with me!
Wherever for whenever!  Forever!
I know not of what is known by you.
Wouldst thou tell me?
Would I hear it?
I...I know not.
I know my desire, and it is you...
It is you...

"photographs and memories..."

voice.  veins.  skin.  goosebumps.  hair.  guitar.  fingers.  warmth.  smile.  comfort.  sound.  surrounding.  out-of-body.  peace.  love?

"hidey hidey hidey hi..."

love.  look.  tonight.  oms.  cookies.  gin meets tonic.  presents.  presence.  today.  a minute ago.  tomorrow.  the next day.  forever.  right now.  want.  desire.  envelop.  caress.  hold.  deep breath.  sigh.  closed.  content.